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| can't believe it's been almost half a year since i re-visited my blog. for some reason most people who used to be xanga-fans have dropped their blogs and moved on to facebook notes. well, i am certainly no different, except that i would still come back and type in a few words as i continue to find this a rather secure spot for personal thoughts and feedback.
12/12/08 was one of the most special days in my life - and i know i shall remember it for years to come. i would still look back in disbelief, even until this present moment. well, there's gotta be some special feelings which brought me back here. i stayed up all night writing my lit review which is due soon - i did not see the sunrise, but i certainly witnessed the daybreak. the fresh smell, the cold n' chilly breezes... remind me of the best times in my life. i miss the days during retreat when brothers and sisters would do crazy things all night... walk back to our dorm, and wake up for our early breakfast. the bonding, the connection, the joy, the insanity... are all beyond words of expressions.
perhaps it's time to move on - we've all grown; and we are no longer the same crazy ones we used to be. time passes, faces change. isn't this a good reflection of what one is expected to encounter throughout the course of one's life? good times are indeed good times. they stay robustly as part of our memories - and we all move on.
it's still like a dream to me. i miss you guys.
maybe it's time for me to grow. well, i thought i did. it's just that... once in a while, i can't help reminiscing. after all, those are my dearest moments.
good times, oh, good times.
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| so i've decided to come back and continue to write on my xanga. a bunch of things happened since the last time i made an entry here. yes, the Europe trip happened; mission ACCOMPLISHED!!
i prefer to call the trip a 'mission' over 'vacation' as it did seem more like a task that was completed. i realized i had to rest for a couple of days before i could fully recover from the exhaustion and over-walking. my calf actually hurt quite a lot by the time i got home. was limping for a bit, which was something incredibly foreign to me; walking to the point that i had to limp!
one of the questions i got asked most often (no surprises) was where i am from. it was the first time i could not give a simply stated answer to the curious; neither hong kong nor new york is my home. i cant simply say i'm from either of those places. i would have to explain myself in length that i was born in hong kong and moved to new york when i was a teenager. gee, it's one of those questions i'd try to stay away from. reason behind? i have yet to find the place which i can identify as my home. i cant totally relate to my hometown - HK after all these years; yet i have trouble acknowledging that i have lived in NY long enough to state my identity as an American. i am simply stuck. stuck between the two cultures. i am bi-cultural; but the thing is once you leave the States, nobody would understand the term 'bi-cultural' or 'bilingual'. race, ethnicity or culture are no longer terms that people can easily relate to. it's understandable, but that adds on to my sense of loneliness. the inevitable reality.
amy, ken, isaiah and i went to the dedication day camp on Saturday. i've been to the camp two years ago and this is supposed to be a refresher's course to me. upon reflection, it took quite a lot for me to realize how things have changed over the past two years. i made my promise to God that i would dedicate myself to Him and fulfill my calling. that was in 2006 when my close sisters were still around. it's 2008. oh boy.. well yes i received similar messages from the key speakers. my heart? i would be ashamed to search my heart. i knew my calling. i made my promise. yet, i am still in square one. going to seminary school has always been lingering in my mind but i can't seem to hear a clear voice from the above. cant figure out what i'll do with a degree in theology. i know i am not called to become a pastor/full time minister. but i know for sure that i am called to serve in the ministry.
i am thirsting to be equipped. spiritual starvation is the best way to describe my current state of mind and heart. i raised an issue i am dealing with in small group; spiritual dryness is something i am going through right now and i am seeking to be spiritually revived. yes, i yearn for a personal spiritual revival, if there is such terminology. rev kwong worked on the issue i brought up amongst the small group - what will you do if you are living in spiritual lowness?
one thought popped up in my mind which i dared not raise - what leads to the spiritual lowness after all?
spiritual lowness --> sin --> more spiritual lowness --> more sin... = downward spiral
what is the cause and what is the effect? or is there even a causal relationship right there?
one thing i am sure about - my spiritual lowness IS caused by my sinful nature + sins. the issue now is, how do i want to be revived and lifted up?
Lord Here am I. Send me.
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| oh my.. wanting to throw up again at work. haha. this is NOT normal
anywayz, i'm relieved coz my supervisors are supportive and excited for me as i am going back to school.
one thing down~
trip to Eastern Europe ALL SET. yay 
Austria --> Slovenia --> Hungary --> Sovakia --> Poland --> Czech --> Austria
God has always been very very merciful to me when it comes to work opportunities. i certainly dont want to become a workaholic, but when these chances come flowing , it's hard to resist them.
hmm, something worth exploring in my therapy.
and my new therapist - oh finally i managed to find a Christian counselor who is capable of integrating both aspects into the treatment. hopefully i'll be able to stick with him for at least a few more months...
things to do/prepare -
- translation work to be done by the end of april
- mei's wedding on 5/25
- trip to Florida ??
- trip to Eastern Europe
still want to go to sleep.. hmm
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| things have been moving along quite well, and the more i reflect, the more i realize i surely had minimal to do with these smooth transitions.
resigning on 5/15. date fixed. i should have handed in my resignation letter last week but i didnt have the courage to do so. what's pulling me back? no clue, yet i know over the past few days i feel more strongly about it.
my coworker showed me a poem that he likes a lot. it's strange; i honestly have little understanding about it but when i was reading it, i had a feeling of tranquility and peace. after all, why am i feeling not at peace often times? does it really matter when things are not in harmony or they don't agree with one another?
what if, i am not loved or accepted by all people, in all circumstances?
listen up, it's okay.
i know God accepts me totally, loves me completely, sees me as fully pleasing.
the rest is still important, but i can tell myself it's OKAY even if i am not loved by another human being or accepted by another person in this world.
it's always easier said than done. yet i will still try.
i want to be free.
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| oh gee...i wonder how people usually feel after being completely overloaded at work.
all i know is.. right now i am about to throw up; i've never had that feeling before no matter how many hours i've worked in the past
isn't this scary?
my body is just too honest.
counting down. i need to quit my job... i dont care now. the call volume has been increasing from 20 to 30 to 40 to 45 a day.
hmm, and should i be so excited about another possible part time job opportunity?
sigh.
i want to sleep
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